living “what is” only when it is convenient

I haven’t written in a long time…. since January.  Updating this blog has been on my to-do list every week. Have I done anything about it?  No, at least not until today.

Wilted RoseI can offer many excuses like:

  • my dad entered hospice,
  • my mom is having memory issues,
  • I wake up tired almost everyday,
  • and I really have not felt up to writing.

While my excuses are all valid, if I am really honest – It has been much easier to busy myself with my quilting and surfing the web on my iPad than dealing with my feelings…. numbing myself from the pain of “what is” happening in my life.

My father is dying.  He no longer recognizes me when I visit once a month. To be honest, I am feeling lost, displaced may even be a better word to describe this place I find myself in. He is not suffering or in pain but I am.  I am heartbroken. This is not the man who I have known and loved… it is hard to see him this way.  I tell myself that on some level he knows I am there but who really knows?

Every time I write about my dad, I cry. I am grieving. So I don’t write… and I don’t think about the pain…. and I just keep busy doing nothing or quilting rather than allow it.

I have discovered that it is so much easier to help others deal with their emotional pain than to deal with my own. The quilting is good therapy and is creative, which is comforting…. but it as an escape – as a way to fill up my time and my mind so that I don’t have to think about things.

Stepping back and looking at my life as” it is” today, I feel sad … and that is OKAY! Sometimes life just plain sucks….and trying to manipulate or change things is not and has not been helpful.

Living “what is” is not always convenient and never easy. I am a willing student.

How about you?  Are you living “what is” only when it is convenient? Do you find it difficult to sit quietly with your own thoughts/emotions or do you feel empty spaces with activity? Do you wear a happy face when your heart is aching?

I’d love to hear your thoughts?

 

6 thoughts on “living “what is” only when it is convenient

  1. Oh Peggy! Hugs to you!!!! Sometimes life sucks! You have such a mixture of highs and lows going on right now with the upcoming weddings and ill parents. No wonder things are difficult. We have all experienced those feeling at times. God only gives us what we can handle, they say!! Enough is enough!!! And, pray for strength. Cry when you need to! – that also relieves stress!

    My parents have both passed. Even though I miss them both dearly I know they are at peace and no longer suffering. Only then did I feel some comfort and the load lighten.
    My memories of the “good” days gave me strength.

    I remember my oncologist saying “save your energy for having fun”. When you don’t feel good, rest! Take a day at a time. Enjoy your days – do what feels best! Forget the “should do’s” and do what makes your heart feel lighter.

    Aging is a part of life – we all slow down, memory slips and skips!! I sometimes find myself quite numb, and my mind wonders, feeling lost, tired. Tomorrow may not be perfect but I’m still glad I’m in it! You are not alone!.

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    1. Hi Shirley,

      Thank you so much for you heartfelt and thoughtful response. It is nice to know that I am not alone….. We are never truly alone, are we? Many blessings, Peggy

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  2. Thank you for sharing a difficult time in your life with us.
    I grew up with the belief that you were never to let people know that things in your life weren’t perfect. We always had to be strong. I lived this way for more than 50 years. I believe that it created some of the health issues that I was challenged with throughout the years.
    I filled my days with so many things just so that I would not have to have quiet time, time to think and face life as it really was and not as I wanted people to think it was.
    I miss having lunch with you and would love to see you.

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  3. Peg:
    You are doing the right thing. You need to take the time to grieve. Escaping is valid when your heart needs a rest. You are extremely brave and “seem” to be handling things well. But don’t forget, when you are down, you have friends to share your bad days as well as your good days. I am always here if you need to talk.
    Love you,
    Carol

    Like

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