I haven’t written in a long time…. since January. Updating this blog has been on my to-do list every week. Have I done anything about it? No, at least not until today.
- my dad entered hospice,
- my mom is having memory issues,
- I wake up tired almost everyday,
- and I really have not felt up to writing.
While my excuses are all valid, if I am really honest – It has been much easier to busy myself with my quilting and surfing the web on my iPad than dealing with my feelings…. numbing myself from the pain of “what is” happening in my life.
My father is dying. He no longer recognizes me when I visit once a month. To be honest, I am feeling lost, displaced may even be a better word to describe this place I find myself in. He is not suffering or in pain but I am. I am heartbroken. This is not the man who I have known and loved… it is hard to see him this way. I tell myself that on some level he knows I am there but who really knows?
Every time I write about my dad, I cry. I am grieving. So I don’t write… and I don’t think about the pain…. and I just keep busy doing nothing or quilting rather than allow it.
I have discovered that it is so much easier to help others deal with their emotional pain than to deal with my own. The quilting is good therapy and is creative, which is comforting…. but it as an escape – as a way to fill up my time and my mind so that I don’t have to think about things.
Stepping back and looking at my life as” it is” today, I feel sad … and that is OKAY! Sometimes life just plain sucks….and trying to manipulate or change things is not and has not been helpful.
Living “what is” is not always convenient and never easy. I am a willing student.
How about you? Are you living “what is” only when it is convenient? Do you find it difficult to sit quietly with your own thoughts/emotions or do you feel empty spaces with activity? Do you wear a happy face when your heart is aching?
I’d love to hear your thoughts?